The Greatest Mary Sue of Them All
by Pip the Dark Lord of All
Summary: This is a random story of a Mary Sue. This is not a serious story. Read at your own risk, there is insanity inside.
1. Chapter 1

This is a random Mary Sue story, to show your friend Guest reviewer what Sue stories are really like. Don't take this seriously. Thanks to Morwen80, who asked me to write this. Hope you enjoy the random insanity.

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One foggy day in New York city, a girl stomped angrily down the street. Her name was Mary, and she wished she lived in Middle-Earth, where her love was. No one here understood. She sighed dramatically. She was so caught up in her thoughts that she did not even notice that she was walking right into a wall. As she knocked her head on it, all went dark...

MARYSUEMARYSUE

Legolas and Aragorn were patrolling around Mirkwood, looking for spiders nests that needed to he cleared out. They had already slew many foes, and hardly surprisingly, Legolas had injured himself. Again.

"Your father's going to kill me." groaned Aragorn. "Why do you always have to do these things?"

Legolas glared at the ranger with exasperation. "It's only a small scratch. I will be fine."

Aragorn looked doubtful. "Your father will not agree with you."

"Oh, I think..." Legolas stopped mid-sentence, staring into the distance.

Aragorn grabbed his arm. "What is it?"

Legolas ran, not answering him. His elf-eyes had seen quite an unusual sight.

MARYSUEMARYSUE

Mary slowly came back consciousness. Someone was wiping her face with a wet cloth...

She opened her eyes. LE GASP! IT WAS LEGOLAS! She couldn't believe it.

Mary leapt to her feet and squished Legolas in a bear hug. "Oh dearest Leggy, I can't believe it's you!" she gushed. "OOOOHHHHHH, LEGOLAAASSSSSS, YOU'RE BETTER THAN USSSSS, YOU'RE BETTER THAN USSSS! YOU CAN FIGHT AND SHOOT AND TWIST AND JUUUUUUMMMPPPP - WHOOOOOOO, LEGOLAAAASSSSS! YOU'RE BETTER THAN USSSSSSS, YOU'RE BETTER THAN USSSS! YOU KILL EVERYTHING THAT GETS IN YOUR WAY AND WE LOOOOOVVVEE IT, WHOOOOOO, LEGOOOLAAAAASSSSSS!"

Aragorn stared in complete disbelief. "Someone... you know...?" he managed to get out.

Mary didn't notice him. "Oh Leggykins, please tell me you're real! This is to good to be true! Oh, my terrible past! But all will be fine now, as I am with you."

Aragorn did the O.O face.

"Oh Leggy, you're hurt!" Mary sobbed. "Please tell me it's not fatal! I could not bear it! Please tell me it's not!"

Legolas was in total shock, unable to process this strange being.

Aragorn ran over and pulled Mary off. "Who are you?" he asked. "When did you meet Legolas? He's never mentioned you before."

Mary sniffed. "Of COURSE I've never met him! But you two are the cutest characters in all of LOTR! How could I not love him?"

Legolas raised an eyebrow. "What's LOTR?"

Mary's eyes bulges out of their sockets. "The Lord of the Rings, of course! You know, your epic quest to destroy the One Ring and how..."

"Wait a minute!" shouted Aragorn. "How did you know all that? Where are you from?"

Mary rolled her eyes dramatically. "I'm Mary, my last name is Sue, I live in New York City, and you two are in the most epic movie ever I can't believe I'm finally with you, oh Leggy dear!" She sqeeed and threw her arms around Legolas' horrified face.

Legolas fainted most unfabulously.

"LEEEEGGGGYYYY!" screamed Mary, doing a wild dance around his body. "I need you! Don't go!" She collapsed and sobbed wildly.

"I'm sorry you had to see this, but that wound was fatal." Aragorn lied. "Now why don't you..."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mary shrieked. "HE'S DEEEAAADDD! LEGGY, OH MY DEAREST LEGGY IS DEAD! I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR!"

Mary grabbed Aragorn's sword and slew herself.

Aragorn made the O.O face for exactly 12.476 seconds, then fainted and fell on top of Legolas.

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Guest person, if you see this, review! I wrote this for you, you know.


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry, but I had to inflict you with more. XD You can blame the Mysterious Masked Hunter for this one.

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Legolas lay in the healing ward of Mirkwood. The wound had been poisoned, and besides, he was still traumatized from the dreadful Sue experience. Aragorn sat next to his bed. He was also wondering where that strange being had come from, and how she had known all those things. None of it made any sense...

Suddenly there was a loud POOF! And Dead!Mary was standing in front of them. Aragorn almost jumped out of his skin.

"Oh, Leggy pie!" she swooned. "Illuvitar has sent me back, because true lovers must never be separated!"

Legolas gasped in horror. This could not be true. He staggered out of his bed and tried to escape. Dead!Mary floated over next to him.

"Oh poor Lego, you're still injured! Aragorn told me you were dead, so the only route left to me was suicide!" She sighed dramatically and tried to wipe her brow, but her hand just went through her translucent head. Legolas was getting extremely creeped out.

"All will be fine, now that I will be forever at your side, oh dearest Leggy!" she said, leaning against him.

Aragorn walked over to her. "You do realize, you can't marry him." he said.

Dead!Mary almost died for the second time. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T MARRY LEGGYKINS?!" she screamed, shoving Aragorn away. "OH, LEGGY, TELL ME HE LIES!"

Legolas stuttered. "Well, actually..."

"THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE!" Dead!Mary shrieked. "I AM BETRRRAAAAAAYED! OH LEEEGGGGGGY! YOU HAVE BROKEN MY HEART!"

Legolas collapsed.

Dead!Mary fell to the floor sobbing. "He doesn't like me!" she cried. "He loves someone else! If this is love, I do not want it! Why does it hurt so much?"

"Because it was false." Aragorn said cruelly.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" wailed Dead!Mary, and flung herself out of the nearest window, where she fell to her second death.

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Review, or Dead!Mary will invade your house! Mwahahahha.


	3. Chapter 3

I should be sorry for inflicting the internet with this. But I'm not.

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A few weeks later, Legolas was fully recovered. He and Aragorn were traveling to Rivendell to go hunting with Elladan and Elrohir. Thranduil was most displeased, and was convinced that Legolas would return half-dead. Secretly, Aragorn was sure one of them would find a way to seriously injure themselves, for it always seemed to happen, no matter how careful they were. But he didn't care. He was hunting anyway.

Upon their arrival at Imladris, the two quickly located the twins, who were already prepared to go hunting.

But Aragorn was puzzled. He had not spotted Elrond yet, and it worried him. His foster father always came out to greet him, and he had not seen a trace of him.

"Where's Elrond?" he asked Elladan. "It is most unusual for him not to greet us."

Elladan creased his eyebrows. "He's been in the healing ward all week with a sick elleth." He lowered his voice. "No one can determine what is the matter with her."

"Perhaps I should go have a look?" Aragorn questioned.

"I suppose it would do no harm." Elladan said. "But the illness is not a normal one. I have seen her, she.." he hesitated.

"Go on." Legolas prompted.

"She is... almost... translucent." Elladan said in a dark voice. "She looks like she is not of this world. Ada says there may be some evil power at work..."

"I will go see her immediately." Aragorn said hurriedly. "I may be able to help her." He turned, and dashed up the stairs. Legolas followed him as well. He was deeply curious about this "translucent elleth."

"Wait! Legolas!" shouted Elladan.

"Yes?" Legolas said, turning towards him.

"The elleth, she always calls for you... I don't think you know her, but..."

"She... calls for me?" Legolas said nervously.

"Yes, I think she means you, anyway. She is always murmuring about 'Leggy' and 'her dearest Leggykins'"

Legolas did the O.O face.

"What's wrong, do you know her?" Elrohir asked.

Aragorn ran over and grabbed Legolas' shoulder. "Yes, he does know her, and we will never go near her again!" he shouted. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Now Elladan and Elrohir were doing the O.O face.

Aragorn and Legolas dashed down the stairs, leapt epically onto their steeds, and galloped dramatically out of Rivendell.

MARYSUEMARYSUEMARYSUEMARYSUE

That night, they camped near Rivendell, but not near enough that Mary would be able to find them. Or so they thought.

"That was a close call." Legolas sighed. "I suppose we should go back, to rid Imladris of that... that creature."

"Are you mad?" Aragorn gasped. "You can't go near her, she'll go all mushy again. That is just so... creepy!"

"She's already mushing over me." Legolas observed. "The only difference is, Elrond and everyone else gets to listen to her. It would only be right to rid them of that thing."

Aragorn groaned. "I guess you're right." He rolled over on the ground. "But not until tomorrow morning. I'm sleeping now."

Legolas rolled his eyes. Humans slept far too much, in his opinion. He stepped lightly to the edge of their camp to keep watch.

Suddenly, arms wrapped around him, and he fell to ground with a translucent elleth on top of him. It was DoublyDead!Mary! Legolas tried to scream, but no sound would come forth.

"Ah, Leggy!" DoublyDead!Mary sighed. "We were almost separated forever the last time, but this time it will not be so!"

"Yes it will!" Legolas muttered.

"What did you say, Leggy? Speak louder, for your every word is music to mine ears!"

"Aragorn!" Legolas screamed desperately.

Aragorn leapt to his feet. "Get off him!" he shouted.

"Why do you travel with that smelly, noisy ranger?" DoublyDead!Mary cooed. "I would make much better company."

"No you wouldn't!" Legolas yelled, trying to shove her away. "I hate you!"

"What?!" screeched DoublyDead!Mary. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"

"I HATE YOU!" Legolas screamed.

DoublyDead!Mary turned her eyes to the heavens and gave an unearthly wail.

Legolas grinned and leapt to his feet.

DoublyDead!Mary stroked his hair with her soft, pearly white hand. "But you didn't mean that, did you, Leggykins?"

Legolas sighed. He would never be rid of this thing.

DoublyDead!Mary embraced him yet again. "Oh, Leggy, our love is so true, nothing anyone says will come between me and you!"

Legolas fainted and rolled into the campfire.

"LEGGY PIE! OH, SOMEONE HELP LEGGY PIE, HE'S BURNING TO DEATH!" DoublyDead!Mary shrieked.

Aragorn dumped water on Legolas, extinguishing the flames. He spun towards DoublyDead!Mary with a furious look on his face.

"What... did I do?" DoublyDead!Mary asked angstily.

"Don't you know fire kills elves?" Aragorn lied again. "He's dead, you've killed him!"

DoublyDead!Mary's face took on an extreme look of woe. "My life is forfeit!" she wailed. "Someone, relive me of this horrible existence!"

"With pleasure!" said Aragorn, and slew her.

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Review, or DoublyDead!Mary will haunt you for the rest of your life. Mwahaha.


	4. Chapter 4

Legolas groaned and sunk his head back into his hands. He had been a deep state of despair since the latest Sue episode, and no one could shake him out of it. He had taken to sitting by himself in the depths of Mirkwood. But today Aragorn sat next to him, trying to get him to forget all about it.

"What if she comes back?" Legolas muttered, for the thousandth time that day.

Aragorn sighed. "We can only hope she doesn't."

But then Legolas narrowed his eyes, as if with a sudden idea.

"What is it?" Aragorn asked eagerly, leaning forward.

Legolas rubbed his hands thoughtfully. "Every time she has died, it was either by your hand or your prompting. Maybe that has something to do with it."

"Are you suggesting that I cannot slay a Sue?" the ranger growled, insulted.

"This is no regular Sue." Legolas said. "What kind of normal creature can keep coming back like this? There is some dark evil at work here."

"What are you thinking of doing?" Aragorn asked.

"If she returns, let me kill her." Legolas said, completely serious. "Maybe it will make some sort of difference."

"Well, it definitely would be useful if you don't faint on her like you have in the past." Aragorn said, snickering. "It makes it imperative that I slay her, for your own protection."

"I won't faint." Legolas said. "Not this time. If I do, just tie her down until I arise." He rose, fingering his twin knives. "She will pay dearly for her crimes against me."

"To arms! To arms!" Aragorn shouted, laughing. "Death to Sues!"

"Death to Sues?" a sweet voice floated over the air. "Does that include my gorgeous self, oh Leggy pie?"

"It's her!" Legolas hissed, and pulled Aragorn down with him behind a fallen tree. As they watched with horror, TriplyDead!Mary floated gracefully through the forest.

"Oh Leeeegggy!" she called. "I know you're there, don't be shy!"

"Shy, indeed." Legolas snarled, fitting an arrow to his bow.

"Oh, how romantic!" she sighed. "Just like Beren and Luthien, only our roles are reversed. The beautiful, perfect human lady dances through the woods, and the shy elf watches in amazement, but cannot bring himself to ask such a fair being to be his own. Oh Leggy, it is destiny! We were always meant to be together! Ah, come forth, I say, come forth!"

Aragorn sniggered and poked Legolas.

"Be still!" hissed Legolas. "It's not that funny!" He raised his bow, and let loose his arrow. But TriplyDead!Mary leapt aside, and spotted the Legolas' bow as it vanished back behind the tree.

"Leggy sweetie, what a cute way to greet me!" she gushed, and threw herself over the log, accidentally landing on Aragorn and embracing him. She planted a deep kiss on his lips.

"BLLLLUUUUUHHH!" Aragorn burst out, and shoved her away. She rolled across the ground and as she looked back, saw her mistake.

"Oh dearie Leggy, forgive me!" she wailed. "I thought it was you, truly I did!"

Legolas glared at her coldly. "You lie."

"I would never lie to you, honeycakes! Believe me, please!" Tears streamed down her cheeks.

Legolas didn't answer her, but flung one of his twin blades into her, slaying her on the spot.

"Oh, great work!" Aragorn shouted, leaping up and wiping the slobber off his lips.

"Now perhaps she will haunt us no longer." Legolas said. "Now let us leave this place of woe. Oh, and I will be telling Arwen about that little episode you had back there."

Ignoring Aragorn's death glare, he sprinted away towards his father's halls.

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Review or what happened to Aragorn will happen to you.


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